I know this woman in NSW. We worked together and were always on the same vibe. With little discussion we jointly tackled complex tasks putting grant proposals together for voluntary and community organisations. Everything ran like clockwork.
We spent a lot of time together out of the office and we were always on the same page in discussions on all types of subjects, or plans about what to do on any particular occasion. Little discussion was required. We laughed about the same things and we laughed often.
We hosted a couple of theme parties at my house and in preparing stuff in the kitchen we created multiple dishes quickly and effectively without any collisions or need for planning or discussion. It was like a dance.
But when it came to the proposal that we extend the way we were into a life together as partners, she said "I don't want to risk spoiling the friendship we have".
We are still great mates, which is good. And I still love her to bits.
But this situation is not unusual, it seems.
And I had to ask myself, is that kind of life harmony something that a woman does not look for in a partnership/marriage?
Some of the women who had said this, to me, to mates, enter into relationships with fellahs who turn out to be arseholes to them.
All became clear when I asked the lovely irish barmaid at my local irish bar in chch why this was not on the list when women were looking for a partner. She laughed and said it was. She said that "I just want to be friends" was code for "I don't fancy you". Aha. Problem solved.
But I wish they would just say that and then we know where we stand.
On the other hand, I was in a club in Brisbane one night. I like a beer after work to draw a line between my business life and my personal life and I had been working quite late.
Anyway, this fellah starts talking to me about his problems (this happens all the time). He was very miserable because he had come to the conclusion that he did not love his wife.
"Does she love you?" I asked.
"Yes, deeply. That is what makes it so hard."
So I told him that in my opinion it is easy as anything to find people that you can love, be in love with. But one of the rarest things on earth is to find a person who loves you that way.
He paused, said "Thank you". He put his half-finished beer on the bar and walked out.
So in a long-winded way I come to my questions:
Ladies. If you make a list of all the things you find necessary in a bloke as a partner, will 'He Loves Me', be at the top of the list? Not he says he loves you but if he loves you truly. And not doe-eyed puppy dog stuff either.
Is love at the top of the list? I bet it is not.
You reckon that if you get all or most of the stuff on your list, you can change him to get the rest.
News Flash - you can't.
You can come to love someone who already truly loves you. You have buckley's chance of engineering someone to love you who does not. Might sound like a paradox but it is not. Anyway, if you love them you would not even try to change them.
In fact, the very wish to change someone from what they are is totally counter to my understanding of loving someone.
Which is why when someone I love tells me that they are not interested. I don't weep. I don't argue. I don't try to persuade them or manipulate them or emotionally blackmail them. I just accept it and continue to love them.
That's who they are and that is more than fine by me.
On my lonely death-bed I will be able to say, to everyone and no-one, "I have loved and I have loved truly".
Fideli d'Amore
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