Just and Victims

There is a word in the english language "just". It is used in lots of ways.

One way is when you are upset with something someone does or is doing and you mention it.

"Oh," they say, "I was just ...".

Apparently, that makes it alright in their eyes.

Has this happened to you?

I think that the problem is one of semantics. The word "just" meaning "only" is the same as the word "just" meaning "rightful". Like in the root of the words "justice", "justified" and so on.

So in the perpetrator's mind there may be semantic leakage leading them to believe that they have a perfect right to do what they are doing. And, by the way, who are you to complain.

So if it happens, why not "correct"  them. Rephrase what they say as "I was only ...".

Funny how pleading that makes it sound.

This is related to a fairly common practice in the english-speaking world - when you are the victim of something and you make a comment or a stand, the perpetrator immediately takes the victim role.

"Can you please stop thumping my desk? I am trying to work"

"Oh? And what about all the times you have done things that annoyed me? "

I am not going to enumerate the examples. If you have them you will know what I am talking about and if you don't then you won't know what I am talking about anyway.

It is pure and simply a learned strategy. Maybe it worked with their parents in a development of "that's not fair". Maybe not. But however it develops, it is a winning strategy in most cases.

When it happens to me I borrow a phrase from London - "Never mind about that".

You say, "Right now, we are dealing with your hurt to me. After that I will listen to your complaint. But first we deal with what is happening now, not stuff from the past. Anyway, you should have mentioned it at the time."

Takes presence of mind amongst the possible emotions to deal with things that way, but don't let people con you with a winning strategy rather than person to person in the now communication.

Ironically, I am not communicating with you person to person in the now. I would rather do that than this.